My Mom and Facebook: The Bad and the Worse

Moldy brussels sprouts, inflamed gums, severe skin rashes, high-pitched screeching, and clogged toilets...  What do all of these have in common??

They are all, and I mean all better than having a family member on your Facebook.

Seriously (well, almost seriously...) I'd rather develop gum disease or need ointment for an incurable rash than have my mother on Facebook!  The thought is purely atrocious!

Not going to lie on this one... (AKA confession time)

My mom had a Facebook before I ever did.  How pathetic, right, for a forty-something year old woman being more in touch with the outside world than her teenaged son.  I mean, aren't I the one that's supposed to have friends?  Aren't I the one that should be spending my time gossiping on FB chat or fighting a poke war?  Not my mother!

So, about a week after my mom plunged herself into the depth world of social networking, I felt so inclined to at least dip my foot in the water.  Fortunately for me, I quickly found that I could graciously maneuver my way around any social networking site while my mom, hmmm... at least THOUGHT she could.

Tagging...

Once my mom got ahold of the digital camera, it suddenly became apparent that any old camera shot of my daily life from the age of two weeks would quickly be uploaded to the web.

And TAG, you're it!

I was untagging every photo, but unfortunately, Mom never quite understood the words "NOT FOR FACEBOOK" as I would take a bite of a late-night turkey sandwich and shield my eyesto avoid being blinded by the flash.

Suddenly the world became a photo-frenzy.  Behind every closed door was an over-zealous mother attempting to capture the final moments of her and her son's time living at home together.

Puh-leeeezzze!  Give me a break before I break that camera lens!

Those obnoxious to-do lists for statuses...

"Off to the store to go get some lettuce!  Going to make a salad tonight, but first I need to slice the tomatoes and chop the cucumbers.  Gotta pick up the dry cleaning.  Off to the gym in the PM."

Really, Mom???  Nobody cares about your middle-aged whereabouts.

I know that your life may seem exciting to you, but to your friends (who at the moment were only me and her hairdresser)... you're a very boring woman.

But I still love you... just not when you're on my newsfeed.

Late night FB chat attempts...

I quickly learned that my mother needed to be blocked from seeing when I am online, so I made a group labeled "Bothersome" for my mom and a few annoying "friends."  This was the result of my mom logging in at midnight to check her Mafia only to find that I was awake in the next room over when I should have been sleeping.

"HONEY!!! GTB NOW!"  (Go to bed now??? Really? **goes offline**)

The curse.... Farmville.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Farmville is a perfectly decent game to play if you were truly destined to be a farmer but happen to find yourself stuck in an apartment of NYC.

But my mom was not destined to become a farmer, nor do we live in a place where she couldn't go out back and try planting some REAL tomatoes.

Even without a green thumb in real life, I don't think my mom ever let a single pumpkin wither during her stay on the good ol' patch o' land.  But really... She LEGIT was spending more time planning when her crops needed harvesting than actually harvesting some real food from the pantry.

And then that one night, when her farm was still growing, she got "bored" and decided to hack into my Farmville that I hadn't been using since she thought it was cool.

That woman's a virtual-bovine thief.  She stole (AKA deleted) my freaking rare, limited-edition green alien cow, (she said that his lime green coat was distracting the chickens and preventing them from laying eggs efficiently) and the she rearranged all of my reindeer, ending their perfectly linear set-up.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care about the cow.  I hadn't been virtual farming since it went out of style (courtesy laugh, please...) but it's the principal of the matter that she was downright obsessed and couldn't at least patiently wait for her carrots to grow.

And that was the day that I decided that I had to de-friend my mom.  The end. :)